Can I Touch It?
Conversations on Sex with Dr. Busch and Lala’s Bedtime Tales
This month, I am joined by sexual health educator and expert Lala of Lala’s Bedtime Tales. We are talking about sex. No, not just safe sex. Although that is very important! Make sure you protect yourself and your partner. This isn’t for the mommas and poppas, it’s for the students.
We are going to be talking about consent and pleasure.
While we all want to know the best tricks and techniques to have pleasurable sex, the key to great sex is sexual communication. Sexual communication happens long before you and your partner(s) are ripping off each other's clothes to set the sheets on fire.
Consent is a clear, active, mutual, and conscious agreement between participants wanting to engage in sexual activities. Any sexual activity, including but not limited to oral sex, mutual masturbation, fondling or groping of intimate body parts, and vaginal or anal penetration, in the absence of consent is sexual assault. Consent allows all parties involved in sexual encounters to feel empowered and respected.
Here are a few key facts about consent:
Consent is an ongoing process that should happen in every single sexual encounter and extends to every single sexual activity.
Consent should be freely given means that if you or a partner(s) are interested in having sex, then drugs or alcohol nor coercive tactics like manipulation, pressure, or begging should be utilized to get a yes.
Consent is always reversible.
Consent should always be well informed - discussing barrier methods (i.e., dental dams, spermicides, condoms, etc.), family planning options (ex., birth control methods), STI status and disclosures, relationship statuses, and emotional commitments.
Consent should be enthusiastically given.
Consent is specific to every act, time, or place.
Consent should never be assumed because each individual gets the final say in what happens to their body.
Violation of consent is a crime. If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault, seek help immediately and learn more at www.rainn.org.
Now that we have all said yes. Let’s talk about pleasure!
Pleasure is your birthright! If you received any sexual health education, more than likely, the discussion of the birds and the bees or where babies come from didn't extend past procreation or how to have pleasurable and enjoyable sex.
Based on the definition by the World Health Organization, sexual pleasure is the physical and psychological satisfaction and enjoyment derived from solo or shared sexual experiences. Sexual pleasure is essential because it can play an integral role in our overall happiness in life.
To unlock sexual pleasure, you must do the self-work of becoming sexually confident, including having healthy self-esteem, practicing body acceptance, and understanding your sexual motivations. Sexual confidence will look different and be defined differently for everyone because we all have different lived experiences, perspectives, and ideologies on sex and sexuality.
Here are a few tips to unlock your pleasure blueprint:
You must do the self-work of becoming sexually confident, including having healthy self-esteem, practicing body acceptance, and understanding your sexual motivations.
Before you have sex with others, you should always have a conversation with yourself about your sexual expectations and understand your reasoning for wanting to engage in sexual activities.
It's essential to understand the functionality of your body so you will feel competent and confident in exploring your sexual desires and educating your partners about what pleases you in the bedroom.
A great way to learn your body, pleasure points, or erogenous zones and to grow to the point of body neutrality or acceptance is through masturbation.
No one is a mind-reader - it's your responsibility to ensure that the shared sexual experiences are mutually empowering and enjoyable, which happens through sexual communication and confidence.
Special thanks to Lala’s Bedtime Tales for sharing all of this very helpful information! Want to hear more about this? Follow @collegepsychiatrist on socials this month and hang out with us on IG live on 8.15.23 at 7pm CST.
For more information:
The Gottman Institute on Relationships